The Outlaw of Sex [Great Lovers]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Ultimately, we're all fools for love... LOL

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-=[ Great Lovers ]=-
Listen to learn and learn to listen.
-- Anonymous

We all like to pay lip service to this thing we call love. We like to say it -- a lot. For example, we like to say, “I love you.” We want to be loved – or rather to have other people use the word in reference to us (“S/he loves me”). I submit that what we don’t like is the action of love. I hate to burst your bubble people, but Santa Claus doesn’t exist and love isn’t a feeling. Nope, love is a verb -- love is an action.

One of the reasons I am so amazed at some of the shenanigans on the internet is that I find it hard to understand how people can get caught up in the illusory trap of “falling” in love with someone they’ve never met. I certainly can understand developing some affection and having a feeling for a photograph and internet profile, but falling in love?

::blank stare::

In my book, that’s grounds for having someone committed. And yours truly isn't exempt. I will admit to having fallen into that trap myself. Photographs are fun and they never really let you down like real people do. For example, today's blog photo is one of a series of photos someone sent to me a few years ago. No, I didn't fall in love with her, but I sure would love to fuck her. LOL In actuality, the photos are a fake. Rather, they are photos of someone other than the person who sent them.

Those who are “great lovers” know that within the framework of being in love there’s passion, desire, hope, wonder, appreciation, enjoyment, affection, ecstasy – the whole gamut of the most positive emotions and energy states. However, as I said before: love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action, an act of will. All the feelings in the world and $2 won't get you on a NYC subway – which is another way of saying that feelings ain’t jack. Love isn’t texting someone a pic of your shaved vagina/ erect penis with the caption “thinking of you.” Love isn’t copying-and-pasting one of those cheesy email forwards to everyone in your email contacts folder. In fact, I would say sending me any email forward is actually an act of hate. However, I do appreciate photos of your pussy/ ass, so keep ‘em coming champ.

I’m kidding! But the point I’m trying to make is that when we truly love someone we extend ourselves to the person and for that person. That’s the act of love, or love action. It’s not clicking a mouse, or sending a text. Love is an act of will for the benefit of another person with no expectations. In more technical terms, when we love someone we extend our ego boundaries – close down our defenses – to include that other person as part of our identity. In a way, love impels us to merge with another individual, in the process creating an enduring bond. This is the part that scares many of us because severing such a bond can cause a lot of pain.

It’s the same when you experience a deep, knee-knocking, grand mal seizure-like orgasm: it’s a transcendent spiritual experience: your ego defenses come tumbling down and for that brief moment, your sense of self expands to include so much more than the small, fragile, fearful mini me (ego). As a side note, this is one of the reasons why organized religions put so many taboos on sex, because ultimately sexual energy can be one of the most transformative, liberating, and spiritual experiences.

But I’m getting off track here…

The first way, I feel, that great lovers express their love is through something simple and obvious. What is at the heart of the experience of love that's so simple, so basic that is so easy to overlook is listening -- listening and attending. Sadly, at least in my experience, very few people attempt to hone their listening skills and at best listen at a very superficial level. Our society offers very few opportunities that teach listening at deeper levels.

We are born to bond. Without bonding, infants literally wither and die. As adults it’s the same for us: without connection we die physically, psychologically/ emotionally, spiritually. We are human and the defining experience of being human is bonding. We are wired for connection -- we’re walking/ talking neurological feedback loops. We become human through bonding, and as adults, bonding doesn’t end. As we mature, we continue to evolve where we can bond with a special someone in a healthy manner. This bonding demands the mastery of certain skills, skills that allow us to make contact, to establish relationships, and communication skills that promote understanding.

How do we do this?

The simple answer is by entering into our lover’s world. By matching and resonating with our loved one’s way of thinking and feeling, we begin to understand him or her. Empathy, a key emotional skill, is the ability to see the world through another’s eyes without losing ourselves in the process. This is part of the act of love -- or love action -- and great lovers fine-tune their empathy to high levels. On a superficial level, there’s listening, but at the more profound levels there’s listening in order to understand and that takes effort, time, and consideration. It takes a commitment to honesty and a willingness to become transparent (or translucent), so that the energy of love can shine through us with as little distortion as possible.

Active listening is difficult, it takes practice. Like sex, it’s not a natural act, it must be practiced as you would practice a musical instrument. In my experience, too many people are too caught up in their small needs and neuroses to strive toward being a great lover. Most of us, it seems, would rather just sit back, send photos of our nether regions, and call that love.

Love,

Eddie

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The Outlaw of Sex Blog [Bisexuality]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Take note of the new title for the Friday Sex Blog (formerly “The Friday Sex Blog” LOL!). I like the subversive tone… It’s Friday. I associate Friday with fun. Let’s have some fun! Easy, right? RIGHT?!!

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-=[ Bisexuality ]=-

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

-- Woody Allen

The subject of today’s blog photo is Olivia Wilde, the sublimely beautiful actress who plays “Thirteen” the bisexual resident in the TV series, House. Her character's sexual orientation is often the butt (and fantasies) of Dr. House, the misanthrope of the title. The issue offers the writers plenty of room to exploit the many misconceptions of bisexuality.

Popular conceptualizations of sexual orientation often present a strictly either/or perspective on intimate relationships and human sexuality: a person is either heterosexual or homosexual; a person is emotionally and sexually attracted to either women or men. However, research shows that human sexuality is much more fluid than the simple gay-straight binarism. In fact, many people are neither exclusively heterosexual nor exclusively homosexual.

The other day, for example, a friend remarked that she couldn’t understand how anyone could date a bisexual because they couldn’t be monogamous. I found this utterly stupid. I mean, are heterosexuals compelled to be non-monogamous simply because of their sexual orientation? Are gays? Also, bisexuals get no respect, even from the LGBT community, many of whom seem hostile to these sexual outlaws. LOL

I have had two important relationships with women who identified as bisexual. In fact, there came a time where it seemed that I was dating bisexual women exclusively. Perhaps it was my own bias, but I felt bisexual women were less inhibited, sexually, more willing to explore. Whether that’s true or not is beside the point. In my experience, some of the best sex I ever had was with women who identified as bisexual.

I also learned a lot about myself in the process. My first relationship was difficult because I was insecure about her bisexuality. Like most people, I assumed she would need a woman in her life, which was total bullshit. We had a very trusting, deeply intimate relationship. So, let’s get some things straight (pun unintended)…

What is Bisexuality?

The most basic definition of bisexuality I’ve come across goes:

Bisexuality is the potential to feel sexually attracted to and to engage in sensual or sexual relationships with people of either sex. A bisexual person may not be equally attracted to both sexes, and the degree of attraction may vary over time.

One of my former lovers put it best when she said that for her the person was more important than the sexual orientation. Hearing that was an epiphany for me, since I had never looked at it from that perspective. There’s a caveat in that self-perception is the key to a bisexual identity. Many people engage in sexual activity with people of both sexes, yet do not identify as bisexual. Likewise, other people engage in sexual relations only with people of one sex, or do not engage in sexual activity at all, yet consider themselves bisexual. There is no behavioral “test” to determine whether or not one is bisexual.

Myth: Bisexuality only is a transition phase for people coming out as gay or lesbian.

Reality: Some gay and lesbian people identify as bisexual before coming out as gay or lesbian. Likewise, some people who now identify as bisexual previously identified as gay or lesbian. Other people identify as bisexual their whole lives. For some people, their experience of sexuality is fluid, something that can change over the course of their lifetimes

The world is not black and white. Although it is sometimes hard for people to see the shades of gray that they do not understand. It is this attitude that all things fall into extremes that keeps many people from learning about and adopting the label, Bisexual. The fact remains that there are many people who identify as bisexual in this world. This is the label that they feel best describes their attractions, be they physical or emotional, towards different genders.

Myth: Bisexuals are confused about their sexuality. They can't have it both ways... they have to make a choice.

Reality: This is quite possibly the hardest myth to dispel because of the fact that many people in transition from identifying as straight to identifying as gay or lesbian (and vice versa) use the label Bisexual as an aid in their transition. There is nothing wrong with this and in fact many people may feel bisexual for a time in their lives and then find that they identify more as gay/lesbian or straight, than bisexual. Most self-identified bisexuals have made their choice. What is meant by choice here is in choosing that label and not in choosing their sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is believed by many doctors (including psychiatrists) to be determined biologically and is not a conscious choice. Whatever other choices may be made, such as to the monogamy of relationships, is made on an individual basis and has little, if anything, to do with the label one adopts

Myth: To be bisexual you have to love both genders equally.

Reality: Identifying as bisexual does not set a limit as to how attracted one must feel towards either gender. There is no defined cut off point at which one must cease to identify as bisexual and must identify as gay/lesbian or straight because of a shift in attractions. Most bisexuals do not f eel equally attracted to both genders on a sexual and emotional levels and experience shifts in attraction levels to either genders. As I noted before, some bisexuals are not attracted to a gender per se, but are instead attracted to the person's personality or various other attributes and take note of gender afterwards, if at all. In these cases gender does not really come into play.

Myth: Bisexual people are more promiscuous than heterosexual or gay and lesbian people.

Reality: Bisexuality is a sexual orientation. It is independent of the decision to be monogamous or non-monogamous. Some heterosexuals, gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are monogamous, others are not. It is a mistake to assume that because someone has the potential to be attracted to men and women, they must have twice as many sex partners.

Myth: Bisexuals need at least one partner of each gender.

Reality: Bisexuals have the potential to be attracted to more than gender, but they do not necessarily need to have a partner of each gender. Most bisexuals do not have to be involved with more than one gender at a time in order to feel fulfilled.

Myth: Bisexuals are more accepted by straight society.

This myth has all been expressed by some as “Bisexuals are more accepted by gay/ lesbian society.” The truth is that although bisexual activists fight for many of the same rights as gay and lesbian people do, they are not always made to feel welcome as a part of the community/ movement. The heterosexual community often groups bisexuals as being “confused or undercover homosexuals” and so rejects bisexuals and the concept of bisexuality. For the opposite reason some lesbian and gay people reject bisexuality as a valid sexual orientation and see the stigma and not the people. The fact is that many bisexual people feel as if they are somewhere in between the two worlds and feel both positive and negative feelings from both. Of course, this is not to say that lesbian, gay and bisexual people do not work together in the equal rights movement and accomplish great things.

Love,

Eddie

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The Friday Sex Blog [Sexuality]

¡Hola! Everybody…
It’s Friday and you know what that means: it’s all about sex up in here. My Friday blog is usually extra nasty and sexually graphic and profane. Some people even say it smells nasty. If you don’t like that shit, or worship a God that disapproves of fucking, then get the fuck outta here… Now. LOL!

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-=[ Your Sexuality ]=-

Yes, there was a basic attraction that was true enough. But there was also a wild beast-like hunger for every inch of your body, every secret niche and shameful part of it, every smell. It yearned to throw you under me on your belly and fuck you from behind, riding you mercilessly, relishing in the musky smell wafting from your ass, glorifying in penetrating your reddened cheeks, your helpless cries and tangled hair -- in ruthlessly taking your offering…

You are a sexual person since before the day you are born – from the womb to the tomb. Part of a healthy sexual attitude includes understanding sex as a positive aspect of life. Maintaining an affirmative sexuality and expressing sexuality in a manner that improves your life is necessary for developing the capacity for intimacy.

This perspective is vastly different from the traditional double standard that most follow. Anti-sex conditioning and negative attitudes regarding sexuality -- especially that sex is “dirty,” that men and women are sexually different/ incompatible -- creates sexual dysfunction and separates us from our basic nature. Sexuality is a normal way for you to express your human need for touching, sharing, and pleasuring. This need is equally valid for men and women.

The good news is that you can undo the conditioning and increase your sexual awareness and comfort. This does not mean that you have to feel sexual and perform at any time, in any situation, with any partner. That is the sexual pressure placed by tradition on the shoulders of men. It is a dehumanizing perspective of male sexuality. Equally dehumanizing is the traditional imperative that females should not to be sexual at any time, in any situation, or with any person other than her husband or intimate partner-- and even then not be carried away with passion. I am amazed at the vast numbers of women going without sex these days.

Yes, you can learn to be comfortable with your sexuality and more accepting of yourself as an essentially sexual person. The wonderful truth of the matter is that you have the choice to be sexual at a time and in a manner where you can truthfully celebrate healthy sexual expression.

There are many ways we learn about sexuality, but the most primal one is through touch. The touching you received from your mother and father as a child is important; so is your own touching to explore your body. Before the age of six months, children discover the positive sensations of touching their genitals. Was playing with your penis or vulva accepted by the parent as normal and healthy, or were your hands slapped while being told: “No! That’s dirty!”?

My point here is not to get into a blame game for sexual dysfunction; your parents were acting out according to the sexual scripts that were handed down to them. It has only recently emerged that childhood sexual curiosity and exploration are a healthy part of human development. However, it is my belief that as adults we can learn to undo negative sexual conditioning and build a healthy sexual awareness and sexual self-esteem.

There’s a lesson for all of us in a child touching herself that we need to heed. The child is experiencing positive, pleasurable feelings, not genitally focused sexual arousal.

Sensuality is the basis for sexuality.

The child feels she’s entitled to the warm, comfortable feelings of sensual touch. Genital exploration and stimulation are a natural extension of sensuous touch.

That’s the gist of it all. No one, or no book, can teach you nor force a sexual response. No one can teach you how to become sexually aroused and have an orgasm. The potential for sexual response is natural. What you can learn is awareness of sensual and sexual stimuli, how to nurture and cultivate sexual desire, the importance of clear and direct communication, and active involvement in giving and receiving pleasure. You have to be open to your sexuality, not inhibited by the obstacles that interfere with healthy sexual expression.

The most common obstacle to uninhibited sexuality is goal-oriented sex. That’s not sensuality, but a fast food version of sexuality. I call it “Mickey Dee sex.” No wonder so many women pack it up! (Use it or lose it, bitches. LOL!). Goal-oriented sex -- sex in which the ends (orgasm) supersede the process (sensuality) -- leads to a lot of emotional wreckage. The list is exhausting: performance anxiety, peer pressure, forced sexual response, use of sex as a weapon in an argument or power struggle, use of sex for manipulation -- and on and on the list goes.

Sex is not a performance to prove something to yourself or you partner, it’s not a spectator sport in the sense that it’s not a competition to see who can have the best orgasm, or last the longest, or anything like that. You hear people talking about sex in the most degrading manner: “I did that bitch,” “Girl, I did that ma’fucca so good he gave me his PIN number.” People seem to focus on technique as if being a sexual acrobat can make them a good lover and that’s so much bullshit.

In any case, that’s not sex, it’s rutting. In fact, it’s not even good rutting. I’m all for rutting, as long as it’s a good rut. Otherwise, I’d rather jerk off.

Sexual awareness is about being open and receptive to affectionate, playful, erotic, and intimate touch. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasurable touch.

Sensuality is not something you either have or do not. It’s a range of attitudes, behaviors, and feelings which reflect you as a sexual person. Remember: sex is a good thing

::Martha Stewart smile::

Sexuality is a major part of who you are as a human being and your personality. You are responsible for your sexuality; express it so that it enhances your life and intimate relationships.

Love,

Eddie

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